The Twelve Days of Christmas under a Con-Dem Government

The global economic downturn requires us to look for improved, more competitive operating procedures. With immediate effect, the following economic measures are to be implemented in the Twelve days of Christmas Department:

 

• The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the forecast cash crop, will be replaced by a plastic decorative plant providing considerable savings in maintenance.

 

• Two turtle doves are a duplication of resource, and cannot be justified in the current economic climate. In addition their romantic interludes during office hours cannot be tolerated. One position will be made redundant.

 

• The French hens will be replaced by British beef.

 

• The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated calling system, with call waiting option. An activity based analysis is underway to determine whom the birds have been calling, how often and for how long.

 

• The five golden rings have been put on hold by our investment advisors. Maintaining a profile based on one commodity could have negative implications in this volatile climate; diversification into other precious metals will be considered.

 

• Higher numbers are generally considered excessive. As such three geese will be let go and two token swans retained. The milking operation will be automated, freeing eight maids to join the e-milking team. The high cost of maintaining hereditary peers, plus the expense of international air travel  and its impact on the environment, has prompted the Job Evaluation Unit to suggest replacing this group with ten pogo sticks. To maximise the brand value of the dancing subsidiary, we shall bring Pans People out of retirement.

 

• Availing ourselves of operational synergies, the pipers and drummers will be replaced with an IPod.

 

• Though as yet incomplete, early studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is grossly inefficient. Optimum efficiency and improved service levels can  be achieved by making all the deliveries on the same day. In order to remain competitive in a difficult working environment, further cuts cannot be ruled out. If this should prove necessary, the Prime Minister with request civil servants scrutinize the Snow White Division to establish whether seven dwarfs are actually required.

Merry Christmas to one and all!