The Twelve Days of Christmas under a Con-Dem Government

The global economic downturn requires us to look for improved, more competitive operating procedures. With immediate effect, the following economic measures are to be implemented in the Twelve days of Christmas Department:

 

• The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the forecast cash crop, will be replaced by a plastic decorative plant providing considerable savings in maintenance.

 

• Two turtle doves are a duplication of resource, and cannot be justified in the current economic climate. In addition their romantic interludes during office hours cannot be tolerated. One position will be made redundant.

 

• The French hens will be replaced by British beef.

 

• The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated calling system, with call waiting option. An activity based analysis is underway to determine whom the birds have been calling, how often and for how long.

 

• The five golden rings have been put on hold by our investment advisors. Maintaining a profile based on one commodity could have negative implications in this volatile climate; diversification into other precious metals will be considered.

 

• Higher numbers are generally considered excessive. As such three geese will be let go and two token swans retained. The milking operation will be automated, freeing eight maids to join the e-milking team. The high cost of maintaining hereditary peers, plus the expense of international air travel  and its impact on the environment, has prompted the Job Evaluation Unit to suggest replacing this group with ten pogo sticks. To maximise the brand value of the dancing subsidiary, we shall bring Pans People out of retirement.

 

• Availing ourselves of operational synergies, the pipers and drummers will be replaced with an IPod.

 

• Though as yet incomplete, early studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is grossly inefficient. Optimum efficiency and improved service levels can  be achieved by making all the deliveries on the same day. In order to remain competitive in a difficult working environment, further cuts cannot be ruled out. If this should prove necessary, the Prime Minister with request civil servants scrutinize the Snow White Division to establish whether seven dwarfs are actually required.

Merry Christmas to one and all!

Cold shoulder from the Weather

It’s been very hectic at work for a lot of people recently. I must admit driving around has been rather tricky too - but I can breathe easy knowing my parents have got bread and milk in after my mercy dash. However, there are some who arent so lucky. Unable to go to a local shop or a local post office, it’s our old and vulnerable that are taking the brunt of this cold snap.

However, two things strike me. Firstly, it is surprising that I can always remember seeing grit bins everywhere as a child. Over the past few years they seem to have disappeared. After listening to what’s been said on the doorsteps in Millbrook, myself and Councillor Furnell have asked officers to explain why there is a real lack of those bright yellow bins. You said it, we listened, and we’ll act on your behalf!

Secondly, it does strike me that we all could play a better part in dealing with this poor weather. On the continent each person clears their own driveway and the public path in front of their property. I’m no expert, but it does seem like a rather common sense approach really.

Lastly, if you’re travelling over the festive period, please go careful and take it slowly. I think one or two drivers seem to have not noticed the cold conditions we’re having at the moment.

Another day, another broken promise.

I'm not going to say that my party is perfect. That simply isnt true. But another day in the Con-Dem coalition, another broken promise. On Thursday, in the below building (yes, I took the photo!), the Liberal Democrats are set to split three ways on plans to raise student fees, with some supporting, some opposing and some abstaining.

Access to education is vital to our children and our childrens children. It is sad that something which will have ramifications for generations and something which was a key promise, has been left behind. In all fairness though David Davis, the former shadow home secretary, has become the first prominent Tory to say he will vote against the rises. At least there appears to be someone on the government benches with an ounce of dignity.

During the general election the Lib Dems vowed to vote against fee increases, however, Mr Clegg and Business Secretary Vince Cable - have both decided that the ministerial limo's are a bigger priority than those who voted for them just over 6 months ago.

On this chilly Monday evening I want to make a promise to you, the reader. No matter what your problems are, no matter who you feel has let you down in the past, whether you vote, are going to vote for another party, or as I hope, vote for me - I promise I will listen to you.

Now that is honest and radical from a prospective politician.

Cold Weather..!

I just wanted to take a minute to write down my thanks. Thank you sadly seems to be very underrated currently. Frankly we dont seem to able able to say thank you to one another anymore. Therefore, I dont want to engage in the petty arguements over who couldve done more, or gritted more or who's fault the weather is.

I want to say thank you. Thank you to the gritters and those in the depots. Thank you to the nurses and the doctors, out in all weathers. Thank you to the police, because crime doesnt stop in the snow.

Thank you to everyone who has pulled together to keep Southampton going in the snow.

P.S. I will be leafletting in Millbrook tomorrow morning! Myself and Councillor Dave Furnell will be at what is left of Millbrook Library from 10.30 Saturday morning, doing a couple of rounds in the snow.